Monthly Archives: June 2012

Glamour Photography

HLO everyone! and welcome to my blog today it is about my glamour photography which is my job and it pays fine thank you I don’t do it just so to look at dinosaurs I am a professional and not an amateur or a semi-professional my girlfriend pays for this.

T-Rex reclining on a red fabric sofa.

(C) All rights reserve no infringemnet intended please.

This is a T-Rex I used a wide-angle lens and then I put it through a fish-eye filter on Photoshop and used the find edges tool I would recommend using this technique if you like your models to look a bit saucy or you could just put sauce on the photos hahaha no that was a joke but sometimes words do mean the same thing even when they are different.

Did I say I used a wide-angle lens? I think I used a zoom actually but either way it’s the same basic picture.

Therapsid

(C) All rights don’t steal.

I think this is some sort of therapsid I didn’t ask it though but does it matter I ask you when you can look at the beauty of the dinosaurs body I think my art is really all about the recording of the beauty of dinosaur bodies which is much nicer than looking at their arse or tits.

Dinosaurs don’t even have tits I mean I ask you some people.

I think that a good man will want to look at a dinosaur even if it has really small tits(!) because that is why they are generous and good but honestly as I said dinosaurs don’t have any at all which shows how good I am for looking at them (very good) and makes the picture sophisticated.

Triceratops on a red fabric sofa by John Lewis + also its bum

(C) COPY (don’t copy)

I will avoid the obvious joke here because I am more like James Bond with a martinei sort of humour I am very much a ladies man and have a dry wit (no not martina hingis lol I heard she played tennis or something!) a martinei!

Anyway I respect dinosaurs too much to say that this one is horny but it is. I gave it eyelashes in photoshop because who wants to look at a dinosaur that looks like it has shave its eyelids like some kind of MAN I ask you. I used infrared and also some candles on top of each other.

Apatosaurus

(C) Copywrong. Copyveryverywrong.

Yes tall dinosaur I said yes you are sexy. That is all you are good for though lol I said that as well.

She was so moved she looked like she was going to cry but then she didn’t she just charged me two hundred dollars for the picture and said that that was her job and if I had a job I would not be living where I am and paying dinosaurs to take off their clothes for me.

I said yes I would and said ha and she said she took pictures sometimes and she did not think I had got her all in and maybe I should use a wide angel but I said no you are not saucy.

Barmaids are saucy but they will not serve me bcos they say I smell like despair. I do have a job though.

I used an ISO 300 and a camera. She broke my pair of heels that I use so I lashed a satellite dish to her foot with some rope from a ship or something.

sofa

Sofa being a cheeky minx!

Hahaha this is great haha this is me and the sofa having some fun after the shoot she is great but needless to say she is not as talented as the models I hired. I tried to take too many pictures but it turns out cameras are not the same as video cameras even though the names are the same (link back to the saucy conundrum, this is what professional comedians call going all the way clown which is a pun on “all the way round” but I am not that funny even though some people say oh that was a funny thing to say it is not always on purpose

sofa

Oh no, “don’t” take a picture of me, hahaha but I did ha she wants it.

She is much more up for doing naughty pictures than the models I hired! But she looks like a bit of a couch unfortunately.

sofa

(C) COPYRIGHT ON ALL OF THEM

I am looking forwards to my next payacheck from where I work. Then I will pay the models again. Sometimes I think that they are so butiful I would just put them up on Nelsons column lol but then I am a romantic. I bet they would love to be put up there forever and never have to move again lol. I would bring them all the different types of cheese they like.

Dinosaurs don’t eat cheese or really any dairy products except eggs I think and thats a bit risky bcos what if they ate there own eggs? But anyway I would bring them cheese bcos I bought them they have to do whatever I say I mean damn.

People think glamour modelling is sexist but really that is just fascism.

I think that you should be allowed to have any fasces that you want, even if your fasce is pretty. It is only sexist if you can see all the naughty parts right up close.NOT the fasces.

Anyway this has been my guide on how to be a glamour model photographer I hope you enjoyed this is all 100% true and accurate and copyright ME so don’t steal or say I lied bcos I didn’t.

If you liked this post you might also like my most popular post by comment volume, Is Water A Ghost.

Secretly I don’t like glamour photographers.

SHHHHHHH.

Advertisements
Tagged ,

The Epic Battle Of Good And Nice

I’ve been thinking about the issue of niceness a lot recently, for three reasons. Two are books.

1. The Psychopath Test by Jon Ronson.

There are several striking scenes in this book in which the author interviews psychopaths who are unrelentingly nice — psychopaths who have committed atrocities and war crimes.

It seems that being nice is actually easier if you don’t really care about other people at all, because niceness can be achieved according to relatively simple formulae — formulae that are hard to use sincerely if you do care about other people.

2. Mr. Nice , a biography of Howard Marks.

Almost everyone buys that Howard Marks is a great guy.

Why? Because he’s nice.

It’s in his name, or at least in his nickname, how could you argue with that?!

Reading his book, though, I’m not sure why.

He admits to being the cause, directly or indirectly, of death, famine and war. That’s three of the four horsemen and I’m only about halfway through the book. I assume pestilence will pop up at some point.

He has funded incredibly violent terrorists, encouraged farmers to drop much-needed food crops for cash crops (in a variation on a tragedy of the commons scenario), made himself rich and not paid a penny in tax. He doesn’t give a shit about suicides, expressing the barest flicker of regret only about one of two suicides he writes about (this is tinged with a hint of “You stupid arsehole, why did you go and make me look bad?”, so I’m not sure if this flicker of regret counts).

I might be convinced by the rest of the book, but I sincerely doubt it.

3. Nice is reliant on Norms.

This means that those who are abnormal (abnormal for whatever your norms are, I mean) are, by definition, not nice. Niceness makes no allowance for the not-nice.

Two examples cropped up lately.

The first was a smug, overbearing fellow who insisted everybody play along with his stupid Rules Of Fun, and actually got a little violent when a woman present objected to his disregard for her right to make decisions.

The second, more serious one, was when a friend-of-a-friend revealed that they were, despite being a very nice person, intolerant of a particular group. This caused a great deal of very real pain.

As far as I can tell, being nice requires nothing more than adhering to social norms at all times. This can be either good or bad.

By contrast, to achieve any change in a community, norms must be challenged. To achieve a significant change for the better, or to ‘do good’, by the same token, norms must be challenged.

There’s a reason it’s “nice ‘n’ easy”, and not “good ‘n’ easy”.

Takin’ it easy.

Tagged , ,

Learning To Play Poker

So, Poker.

That’s a responsible way to make a living, right?

Actually, yeah, it kinda can be, if you have the resources and time required to make it happen.

Warning you now, you’re going to need some understanding of poker terminology to cope with this post.

There’s a few things that you can do to improve your chances of winning, and every little bit you improve those chances means you’ll come out further ahead. Some of these things will also help you attain your goals in life, if you’re that way inclined.

Things like:

Claiming What’s Yours

If you land a good hand in Hold’em after the “Flop” (three cards dealt face-up for the whole table to make a hand with), so many novice players think they can just call or check to a gentle win. Nope.

Things like top pair, two pair, even trips — they’re more vulnerable than you might think.

Against an aggressive player, you’ll have to defend your hand, leading to a very difficult decision. Either you fold, in which case you’ve lost everything so far invested, giving the aggressive player an advantage, or you call, hoping that they’re bluffing.

Even if they are bluffing, chances are that they’re “bluffing with outs”, or in other words that they have a good chance of drawing the cards they need to beat you. Typical things to watch out for are flushes, open-ended straights and double-gutshot straights on the board. With a low high pair they might go for overcards.

So what’s wrong? You’re both playing the same cards, on the same table, making essentially the same decision (go all-in/don’t go all-in is what it typically boils down to against a seriously aggressive player). How is it that the defensive player is going to do worse?

Well, every time you fold a hand that had the aggressive player beaten — including middle pairs! — you’ve given him a 100% chance at the pot. Every time you call a bluff, you’ve given him (typically) between a 20-45% chance at the pot, and yourself only somewhere between 55-80%.

Royal Flush, Diamonds

You will very rarely see this happen for you. Only a very few times even in a professional career. Images of Money.

By playing reactively you can psych yourself out of hands that you had locked down, but you don’t make that money back by playing the good hands well. Even if you do get him all-in on a bluff somehow, he’ll typically have a chance at the chips, which is more than you do when you fold.

Worse — since aggressive players don’t need to wait for a hand to play, they start accumulating chips sooner. So they have an advantage from the off. In tournaments, they can quickly get to the point where they will survive an all-in and get another chance — if they lose in the first place! They’re just mounting chances on top of chances.

The perception that famous players like Doyle Brunson were just lucky is partly true. Players like him made their luck by sitting on enough chips that eventually, someone was going to just knock themselves out running into them. Doesn’t matter what hand you have, going heads-up repeatedly will throw up an outlier eventually.

The lesson? Play aggressively. Claim what you deserve, even if you only deserve it a little bit. Apply complete dedication to all your natural resources, and all-in early and often on your strongest hands.

Know When To Leave Well Enough Alone

Poke the bear.

Poke it poke it poke it poke it poke it poke it. rjones0856.

If something looks really scary, most of the time it is. Cut, run.

Find Out What You Can Learn From A Failure

If something looks scary in poker, it will almost always be because you didn’t take control of the game when you had the chance — taking you back to point one. Sometimes you’ve come up against pocket pairs, but that’s another story — perhaps comparable to coming up against a Charterhouse educated PPE student.

When something scary comes along, let go. Look back and see what you did wrong, because there will be something, possibly not even in this hand.

Was your pre-flop bet too small to convince people of the hand you had?

Were you making someone chase a flush for an amount too low to not call?

Was your ‘image’, the rough impression of your playing style, as firmly established in the minds of other players as you thought?

Play To Your Established Image

Many a time I’ve thought I’ve been perceived as an unstoppable juggernaut, whereas in reality people saw me as a depraved and inexplicably fortunate loon. They’d call and re-raise my bluffs in a heartbeat, and that’s when you know to leave well enough alone.

Finding out what your image is, as perceived by other people, is an important wake-up call. Once you’ve established an image in either poker or life, you’re stuck with it for a long time. You’re unlikely to get the opportunity to shake it in time to do anything meaningful, either.

You can’t fight your image once it’s built. You either have to always be 100% in charge of your image (impossible, people often see what they want to), or you have to be sensitive to your image and play to it and its strengths.

If someone is playing aggressively and refusing to believe your bets a lot, for instance, they might not even have an image of you. You’re just “generic poker player #334”, an incidental figure on their road to riches. Play to this. Make unassuming bets that slowly tap out all his resources by consistently making him pay.

Punish people for making general assumptions about your play-style, and switch it up every time play gets too comfortable.

Fill The Niches

If you’re sitting on a table with five other aggressive players, a cautious person can make a LOT of money.

Conversely, if you’re facing five ‘rocks’, or ultra-defensive poker participators who barely count as players, you can eat enough blinds that by the time you come up against the bullets, you can comfortably fold.

There Is Always Luck Involved

Whatever you’ve achieved, somewhere along the line you got a lucky break.

That’s about all I’ve learned from Poker recently.

Oh, and when you win, don’t be an arsehole. You will lose again, probably to the same dude.

Tagged , ,
%d bloggers like this: