Types Of People You’ll Meet Online

A Comprehensive List of the Many and Varied Types of People you will Encounter on these Vast Nets of Inter

This is it, guys, this is all the people.

Sheep: Somebody who holds a mainstream viewpoint that you don’t, without being particularly willing to argue about it.

Example:

Alice: I don’t know, I just don’t think that it seems likely that the moon landings were faked.

Bob: See what we have to fight against? Wake up, sheeple! The truth must out. Open your eyes!

Alice: Have you seen this picture of a cat wearing a floppy hat? ‘s pretty cool.

Shill: Somebody who holds a mainstream viewpoint you don’t, and is willing and able to defend that viewpoint.

Example:

Alice: For the moon landings to have been faked, it would have required the complete co-operation, then and now, of almost half a million uninvested individuals, with no obvious motive (NASA hires companies to do its work for it, it doesn’t pocket the government money itself), leaving behind, with 1960’s technology, no hard evidence of fraud and somehow managing to leave evidence of lunar landings on the moon, which are visible from Earth. It’s not impossible, but it would have been so pointless and difficult a task as to render the difference between its improbability and impossibility moot.

Bob: Don’t listen to this corporate shill. Visit my website, timecube.com, to hear the real truth behind what the suits tell you.

Conspiracy Theorist: Somebody who holds an alternative viewpoint you don’t.

Example:

Alice: The financial markets and government are artificially increasing housing prices by a variety of methods, which will lead to a global recession by 2010!

Bob: Gah, you conspiracy theorists crack me up. What, you think that the miracle of sub-prime lending will somehow magically turn into a failure overnight?

Troll: Anyone who disagrees with you or your community.

Example:

Alice: I have faith in a higher power.

Bob: GTFO, troll.

Or

Bob: I’m not convinced by deist arguments.

Alice: GTFO, troll.

Nerd: Someone who spends more time on your chosen hobby than you do.

Example:

Bob: I hit level fifty-four!

Alice: Gz! I’m working towards level seventy, but it’s getting hard.

Bob: Pfft, nerd.

Poser: Anyone who spends less time on your chosen hobby than you do.

Example:

Bob: I hit level fifty-four!

Alice: Ha! Fifty-four. You must be playing at least, what, an hour a week? Go play Madden with your jock friends, poser.

Hipster: Someone who knows more about music than you.

Example:

Alice: I’m not sure that you can compare Def Leppard to Brahms in that way. I think they wrote different types of music.

Bob: This is why everybody hates you elitist hipster bastards.

Twelve Year Old: Anyone who knows less about music than you.

Example:

Bob: Cradle of Filth are the most extreme band I’ve ever heard! They blew me away!

Alice: What? What are you, twelve? Grow the fuck up and listen to Darkthrone‘s entire back-catalogue. Now.

Pseudo-Intellectual: Someone who uses polysyllabic words.

Example: 

Bob: Stop being such a pseudo-intellectual.

Alice: What? “Pseudo-intellectual”? You’re such a pseudo-intellectual. Speak normal English.

Bob: Ah, calling someone a pseudo-intellectual. The classic defence of the pseudo-intellectual.

Idiot: Someone who has made a typo.

Example:

Alice: I think you will find, sir, that it is you who are the psudo-intellectual.

Alice: pseudo*

Bob: HAHAHA, what an idiot. It’s not even worth wasting my time on you.

Fag: Human being. Supposed to be inoffensive, despite being explicitly an insult and also a common abusive term for LGBTQ folk. Most common on the chans, and also in any online gaming at all, up to and including children’s games such as Club Penguin or Neopets.

Example:

A|1<3: ‘sup newfag

Bob: suck it, oldfag

A|1<3: I can’t believe you’re using your real name, namefag

Bob: That hurts my feelings.

A|1<3: shut the hell up, moralfag

Weeaboo: Somebody from the West obsessed with Japanese culture. Supposed to be offensive, despite sounding (a) adorable and (b) like the person has an unusual (for the West) and thus intriguing array of interests and (c) inviting a spanking for anyone who says it.

Example:

Alice: Have you seen the film The Tale Of Zatoichi?

Bob: Is that film Japanese?

Alice: Yes.

Bob: Then hell no I haven’t seen The Tale Of Zatoichi, you Weeaboo.

Alice: O.K. It’s pretty good. It’s about a blind masseur who is also a warrior bound to a strict code. Rotten Tomatoes gave it 100%. You should watch it, it’s pretty cool.

Bob: Who are you talking to?

Welp, those are all the types of people that there are online. Sarcasm may or may not have been involved in the creation of this post. Watch The Tale Of Zatoichi if you get the chance, but don’t ask me anything about Japanese culture, because I don’t know anything.

Writing a proper post for Saturday.

Ablaze/A blaze/Ablaze

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2 thoughts on “Types Of People You’ll Meet Online

  1. stromatoliteful says:

    I thought trolling was when someone disagrees with you just for the sake of it and not nessessarily believe it themselves… or when they say something to provoke a reaction, which I’m not doing now!!! I’ve seen on some comment sections of papers that some people create two accounts so they can troll themselves!! Good Post in any case

    • Haha, I’ve run into the same problem you were talking about on your blog! (thelonelinessoftheshortdistancecyclist)

      This was supposed to be sarcastic, but it’s really hard to convey that through text alone. You’re right, trolling is supposed to be when someone says something purely to provoke a reaction. It comes from the word “trawling”, because people tended to spend a lot of time searching out appropriate communities to piss off, back in the day.

      I was trying to say that people are far too quick to call ‘troll’ because it’s more convenient for them to assume that, but as I said, tends to be impossible to show that over the internet.

      Trolling yourself is…an odd idea. And pointless, surely? I’d never heard of that before, the world is now a richer and stranger place.

      Thanks for the comment.

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