If there’s one thing that history has taught us, it’s that men love their own cocks more than almost anything else in the world. It’s the one thing that explains both flashing and the Washington Monument.
With that in mind, and what with me needing a bit of a dick-joke-writing break after my last post’s ridiculously long assessment of the works of perennial internet darling Joss Whedon, I give you the five most ludicrous penis paeans, schlong songs and dick ditties in the history of ever.
5. Level – Dumb Dick
Not so much amusing as it is utterly moronic, the defining moment for this song is probably the repeated refrain “bitch, bend over, over, over, over, over, over/ lemme bend over, over, over, over, over, over“. It’s re-assuring to know that no matter what happens, the art of seduction has not been lost to our generation.
This song recently came to a certain level of internet notoriety when it was briefly one of the most eye-popping top trending topics to have ever been on twitter. The song itself is reminiscent of nothing so much as a toothless old Soulja Boy with a long record of sexual assault attempting (with inexplicable levels of success) to hit on his niece at a hillbilly family gathering.
The only explanation for the levels of lyrical ineptitude on display here is that he was still subject to “Dumb dick syndrome” (where-in a male is overcome with lust and sacrifices rational self-interest in lieu of the urge to fornicate) when he was still writing the song. Which leads me to the disturbing conclusion, given some of the content, that he was actually banging some extra-impressionable groupie with pen and paper clasped in crude, claw-like approximation of hand.
4. Riskay – Smell Yo Dick
Being probably the most heartfelt and emotional song on this list does nothing to redeem this bizarre malarial fever-dream of R’n’B and real, deep pain. Watch the official video here, or check out the song below.
The deep sincerity and urgency in the singer’s voice, unfortunately, only serves to highlight the fact that she is repeatedly asking to smell our dicks. Sure, that’s one way of telling whether or not someone is cheating, but frankly, once it gets to the dick-sniffin’ stage, your relationship is not exactly built to last in any case.
The defining moment is probably the whole bloody song. My most pressing concern was, however, whether this was a wise course of action for Riskay to take in the first place. The kind of guy who would leave his girlfriend alone to go screw a stripper named Diamond, then come back at 5 in the goddamn morning and try to wake up and have sex with said girlfriend is exactly the kind of guy whose dick you want nowhere near your face.
3. Led Zeppelin – Whole Lotta Love
Blah, blah, blah, one of the greatest riffs of all time, iconic song, endlessly influential. The fact remains that this is fundamentally a silly song about peen. In fact I have a strong suspicion that Led Zeppelin were a great inspiration for Spinal Tap, of Lick My Love Pump fame (which didn’t make the list because it’s a composition for keyboard rather than a song).
Apart from the riff, there is almost nothing worth saving from this song. Not Robert Plant’s bizarre attempts at sex noises, not the clumsy ‘word-play’ (“gonna give you every inch of my love” — does it count as word-play if you just write a song about cock and replace every instance of the word “cock” with “love”?), and certainly not the cringe-inducing attempts at making orgasmic scream sounds with the guitar. I’m pretty confident that this song would not be out of place as a KISS song, except that it would be half the length and have much less self-indulgent bullshit in it.
The defining moment is probably the weird, nerdy, nasal “nyeeeeeeeah” sound Jimmy Page makes with his guitar following most of the “Whole lotta love”s. Because with the kind of person who would write and perform a song like Whole Lotta Love on purpose, that is the only noise I can imagine them making during sex. Nyeeeaahhhhhhh.
2. King Missile – Detachable Penis
This one marks a happy change from the entries on the list so far, in that it’s actually supposed to be funny. Still, the good folk of King Missile go so far beyond what would be required of them if they were only trying to make me laugh, and so far into the realms of the absurd, that I can’t help including them on this list. The lyrics are ridiculous in the extreme. In fact, anything I could try to say about the song would only make it less funny, so I’m going to skip ahead and just post the video.
Defining moment? Probably the bit near the end where the line “People sometimes tell me I should get it permanently attached, but — I don’t know. Even though sometimes it’s a pain in the ass, I like having a detachable penis” is delivered with the deadpan, dead bored tones of a teenaged schoolkid summarising his talk on why healthy living is important in the modern world.
1. Powerwolf – Resurrection by Erection
You just know that a metal band called Powerwolf is not going to do anything by halves.
These guys go so far beyond what is reasonable when describing their erections they’ve actually been headhunted (heh) by the gay porn industry for freelance copywriting work. And for once, it’s not just one aspect of the song that’s utterly past the point of no return. Everything from the frantic hammering they give their organ, to the vigorous pummeling the rest of the band give to their instruments, to the vocalist’s “Hoo! Hah! Re-surr-eck-shun!” simply goes far above and beyond the call of duty for a song that, at its root, is about comic necrophilia and boners. Experience its glory below.
The defining moment for this one is pretty easy; the lines “Why do you think believer/ God gave you carnal lust?/ So pray to get a hard on/ before we turn to dust.” pretty much sum up the attitude of the entire song. A bizarre, blasphemous, cock-obsessed attitude that can only be described as “Powerwolfian”.
I think what we have learned today is that there is nothing on God’s earth that will stop sensible adults who really should know better from writing songs about men’s intimate parts. There seems to be no consistent reason for it, nor does there appear to be any real reason for most of these songs even being written. However, not just one lone madman, but a whole collection of assorted music professionals and record industry experts have conspired to create these monuments to man’s love of little man.
In many ways, songs about penises are a lot like the Universe. We cannot possibly hope to comprehend the totality of their brute existence, or to derive concepts like brotherhood, love and democracy from them. Our only option is to exist alongside them, and hopefully glean some poor, trivial knowledge of the insane inner workings that power them along the way.
Altogether now: Rrrrrrrrresurrection! It has been brought to my attention that KISS have done a dong-song that is easily as ridiculous as most of the songs on this list. Listen to it here.